Five Crossovers that Never Happened
by BiblioMatsuri
Summary: What it sounds like. Beware the crack. Rated for language, violence and general irreverence.


Disclaimer: I don't own _Blue Exorcist_, _Good Omens_, _Ed, Edd n Eddy_, _Code: Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion_, _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_, or _Harry Potter_.

BGM: "Jinsei Game" ("The Game of Life") sung by Hatsune Miku.

* * *

**Five Crossovers that Never Happened**

**Never Visited a Charming Country Village**

Yukio blinked. He had to have misheard that. "Sir Pheles?"

The Director of True Cross Academy smiled a smile that brought to mind bottomless pits and contracts signed in blood. "You heard right, Middle First-Class Exorcist Okumura Yukio. I want you to join a team that is investigating the appearance of the Antichrist in a small town in England. It's all in the file."

Yukio suddenly felt very much as though he had been drop-kicked into one of said bottomless pits. "Sir Pheles, I was under the impression that my brother was…"

"Oh, for this world, certainly," Mephisto answered, attention focused on his cup ramen.

"This world?" Yukio asked, resigning himself to the Director's insane manipulations. Or manipulative insanity, whichever it was just now.

Mephisto looked Yukio right in the eye. "Well, you didn't think this was the only Assiah? Or, indeed, the only Gehenna?"

Unsurprisingly, Yukio looked away first.

"Itadakimasu!"

* * *

**Never Took the Scenic Route**

Edd jumped as a voice came from nowhere.

"I sincerely apologize for my brother's idiocy, ah-?"

"…Edd. It's very nice to meet you."

Yukio crooked an eyebrow. "I suppose so. By the way, would you mind returning Rin's money? I wouldn't bother, but I don't have quite enough on me to cover both of our fares home, and I don't think Rin would be very happy waiting for me to wire him the money from home."

Edd swallowed hard, finding it slightly more difficult to breathe than was usual. "Ah, do you mean he would be here alone, unsupervised, until then?"

"Oh, I'm sure it would only take a few days," Yukio said in a reassuring tone.

Edd was a very smart boy with a very healthy sense of self-preservation. He gave Yukio the money. Eddy could rant all he wanted, but rebuilding the cul-de-sac would cost far more than a few hundred dollars.

Once the victims of his latest attempted con job were safely out of earshot, Eddy delivered the expected rant. Edd just tuned him out and dug out an ice pack for Eddy's black eye.

In the background, Ed continued freaking out about the spawn of Satan and the coming Apocalypse. (Unbeknownst to anyone, he was at least half right.)

* * *

**Never Joined the Rebellion**

Lelouch scanned the scene. The ground was strewn with bodies, painted bright red and peeling brown, one of a hundred battlefields he'd had the displeasure of seeing.

However, he had never seen anyone other than CC get up after being shredded by machine-gun fire.

The man brushed himself off, muttering something uncomplimentary about stupid guns and the jerks that used them. Suddenly, he stopped, sniffing at the air, and whirled around, looking right at Lelouch.

Lelouch froze, considering his options. Yes, he knew how to use a gun, but the stranger in his ratty T-shirt and jean shorts carrying a very illegal sword (_peace-bonded_, he noted) had already shown exactly how effective standard bullets would be. Perhaps incendiary rounds might have helped, but Lelouch wasn't going to waste time wishing for resources he didn't have.

The mystery man grinned, showing teeth too sharp to be natural (_filed, artificial?_) and waved. "Hey, Zero-san? You mind moving a little out of the way?"

Lelouch narrowed his eyes under the mask, not moving another muscle. Immortal or not, without a ranged weapon he was a negligible threat at that distance. Acquiescing to the stranger's request would grant him an unacceptable psychological advantage.

Then Lelouch tried very hard not to jump as something small, black and very fast streaked its way out of a hole in the wall and right past him.

"Kuro!" the man cried happily, scooping up a small black cat. For a few moments, he fussed over the feline. (_Did that furball have two tails?_) Then he turned back to Lelouch. "Thanks, Zero-san. I've been looking for this guy all week. Good luck with your rebellion!"

With that, he vanished.

* * *

**Never Met the Grim Reaper**

"Child, please. There are infinite permutations of reality, worlds beyond imagining! So of course, in at least one of those permutations, the incarnation of absolute evil would be, well…"

"Goo- ni- not remotely evil?" Mandy spat out.

Said not-evil incarnation was currently attempting to beat up Billy for stealing the lunch he'd made for his not-girlfriend, and being held back by an utterly exasperated young man dressed like a priest.

Billy was currently cringing behind a passed-out-drunk redhead whose clothes covered maybe ten square inches of skin.

Grim was, for a moment, slightly jealous of Billy, before he remembered he needed to hurt the little moron for stealing his scythe _again_.

* * *

**Never Had an Unwelcome Run-In with Dark Wizards**

Rin shivered, feeling around for his blankets. He must have kicked them off during the night again. Cracking his eyes open, he realized he was outside. Oh, right, he'd gotten kicked out of the dorm for making noise and wound up sleeping on the roof again. Sheesh, Yukio could be such a grouch.

Rin carefully sat up, not wanting to knock any shingles loose. One rude awakening by face-meet-concrete was enough. Then he noticed he was surrounded by strange men in black cloaks. Not the Order's black-and-gold coats, just loose shapeless black cloaks that hid everything but the basic shape and size of who- or whatever was hiding under them. And white masks, blank white masks that looked kind of like bleached skulls.

Now, he was wide awake. And he was in a graveyard. There was a kid about his age lying in a pool of something dark red, sticky-looking and copper-smelling a few feet away. Just past the blood, he could see the outside of what looked like a hideously complicated version of the summoning circles Shiemi-chan and Eyebrows used.

He ran a quick check. All body parts still attached, flames still there but out of reach (meaning that poufy bastard still had Kurikara), mind clear but limbs too heavy to move much.

Now, Rin was not the sharpest tool in the shed. He had the attention span of a sugar-hyped four-year-old and couldn't stay awake in class for anything. Rin knew perfectly well that Yukio got all the smarts in the family. However, Rin was not a complete idiot. He was (sort of) an arch-demon stuck in a circle of human blood, surrounded by crazy cultists. It wasn't too hard to figure out what had happened.

_I've been summoned, with a human sacrifice, to who-knows-where for who-knows-what. And by "who", I mean Mephisto. _

_...If I survive this, I'm going to kill him. Somehow._

_Lord, if You exist, you should really take Your own darn advice about not blaming the son for the sins of the father. Really._

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A/N: Inspired by Scribbler's "Ten Crossovers That Never Happened" (for the surprisingly well-written kids' cartoon _Xiaolin Showdown_).

I'm not entirely happy with all of these. I think Rin came out a little too snarky, and Mephisto wasn't melodramatic enough. Read and review, please.


End file.
